Listening to our children

You have had a hard day at work, you rush to pick up your kids from their after school activities while wondering what you will fix for dinner. On the way home the kids start asking permission to do this or that or start fighting in the back seat. You have a headache and all you want to do is scream at them to shut up and settle down.

It becomes harder and harder to find time with our kids that don’t involve rushing from one place to another or meeting this or that deadline. We struggle to eat breakfast and dinner together as outside activities and work schedules collide. We bring our work home with us and we struggle to find some quiet time by ourselves to recuperate and prepare for the next day. It is even more difficult if you are a single parent. Listen to our kids? It seems that all I do is listen to them complain, whine, demand, insist, nag or tell me they are the only kids in the whole world who don’t get to do this or that.

That is not listening. That is losing control as a parent. Demands, whining and complaining are not permissible. Asking for things and giving your point of view is okay when done respectfully. It doesn’t mean kids can’t be excited and even show their disappointment but it is done within respectful limits. Respect is taught and modeled. Disrespect and disobedience is not tolerated and is rewarded with a time out without toys, TV or conversation in a boring setting, such as sitting on a chair without any attention for five to ten minutes.

If you find more and more of your family time is spent in a revolving door, sit down and draw up a daily routine that will work for your family. That means a regular bedtime and a regular time to get up. It means a set time to do homework before playtime. When kids are involved in extra activities such as sports or music lessons, adjust the schedules without sacrificing homework time or family time. Establish some family rules that include required chores for every member in the family and a regular dinner time. While there will be exceptions, when family members consider dinner a time when the family will spend quality, fun time together, they will be less resistant. Use that time to listen to your kids and encourage them. Choose interesting topics to talk about.

Listening involves looking at your child as they tell you about their day and responding with appropriate comments of praise or motivation. If you are in the middle of making dinner or some work project, stop what you are doing and give them your full attention while they are speaking or set a time in a few minutes to talk with them. Schedule a purposeful time every day with your child to ask about their day. That could be part of a bedtime ritual. Children sleep better when they are not going to bed feeling angry, discouraged or anxious.

Take some time each week and spend it alone with each child, doing something they like to do that also allows interaction. Encourage them to talk and be prepared to listen about their concerns and fears without over reacting or preaching. Help break down their problems and brainstorm possibilities. Let them know you are there for them as they struggle with the challenges of life. As children learn how to implement options in a safe way, they will be able to use those skills as they mature. As children know they will still be accepted and loved even when bringing up the worst scenario, they will be more open to discussing difficult and maybe even dangerous situations with you. Develop a trust that you do not break.

Listening to our kids does not mean we allow them to do whatever they want to do or even agree with everything they think is okay. Children don’t want us to be their friends; they want us to be parents. Kids want and need structure and limitations. When you set boundaries for them, they learn how to do that for themselves as they get older. Kids want to know someone is there helping them make good choices. They want to know we will listen to them even when they are unhappy, angry, or have grievances.

©2011 Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

The Writing Spirit

This video contains inspirational writing advice from Gary Zukav, Richard Bach, Ken Robinson, Yann Martel, and more. Enjoy!

Listening to Your Spouse

He said – she said – and around and around you go. Why can’t we have an intelligent conversation? Why does she always have to blame me for everything? Why does he never listen?

We get married because we love someone and want to spend the rest of our lives with that person. Yet when the happy glow of the honeymoon begins to disappear, we look at the other and wonder what we ever saw in that person. Did we make a big mistake?

We are attracted to another for a variety of reasons. Sometimes they complement us in some way. Sometimes we are drawn to someone who likes to do all the things we like to do. Or so we think. At some point, when the other person no longer meets our expectations they appear selfish or self-centered and we feel hurt and betrayed. Oh, we still love them, but don’t understand why they no longer see the world as we do.

We are all aware of divorce statistics and the side effects of it. If we grew up in a divorced home we may be determined not to repeat the same mistakes. Yet, here we are, deadlocked in our own relationship and it seems we are slowly sliding down that same slippery slope as we come face to face with the fact that while we may share the same core values we hold different beliefs about how to implement them. Suddenly the expectations, obligations and responsibilities we hold are making it difficult to resolve problems and differences. These deadlocks can even revolve around fundamental beliefs about religion and how that is expressed in our daily lives. Add to that the hectic pace of life and we have a recipe for trouble.

Once again, when we are passionate about our beliefs and views, we are often reluctant to listen to an opposing viewpoint – instead, we aggressively defend our own while attacking the other – and communication grinds to a stop. Without getting into the specifics of learning how to fight and negotiate within a marriage, let’s just consider some simple rules about listening that we can apply right now to our conversations.

First, be honest with yourself. We bring to our relationships our expectations, assumptions, and past experiences that color and distort our perception of reality. Communication often breaks down because we don’t focus on the real issues, because we keep our fears of inadequacies and rejection hidden while arguing pseudo-problems. Acknowledge and accept your own personal fears. Acceptance allows us to be vulnerable and still be okay allowing us to accept the other with grace, compassion and love even when you disagree. This creates a safe environment where sharing can occur.

Second, listen without judging, evaluating, or defending your position. Focus on what is being said and not about a response. Validate feelings. Listen and clarify what you heard with feedback. Did you understand what the other person is trying to tell you? Refrain from offering advice or quick solutions. Pay attention to your own feelings. If you find yourself getting upset and angry, accept responsibility for how you feel, ask for a time out and schedule a time to return to the discussion when your anger is under control. Keep that return appointment.

Perhaps the most important thing we can do in our is to apply our listening skills. In fact, it is the most important thing we can do in any relationship, because it is in the listening that we begin to connect with the other person.

In a later blog, I will share some suggestions given by experts in the field of marriage about negotiation and asking for what you want. But just for now, practice hearing what your spouse is trying to say.

©2011 Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

Novel Craft Editing Workshop: Proofreading Checklist

By the time you've combed through your manuscript using content editing, technical editing and copyediting techniques, you may wonder how there can possibly be anything left to fix. And yet, if you've ever read a published novel with sentences containing missing words, misspellings, duplications, typos and the like, you understand that errors can slip past the keenest of eyes.

If you plan to submit your work to an agent or editor you'll want to ensure you've done all you can to present a professional manuscript. It would be a shame to win the editing battle but lose the submission war with a manuscript that reflects poorly on your attention to detail.

If you plan to self-publish, proofreading is essential. While some readers take mistakes in stride, others will abandon a book because of them. At best, errors throw the reader out of the story and make it harder to engage.

Enough said.

Proofreading Checklist

 

• Print out your manuscript so you can see it in a fresh way.
• Go through the text backwards, starting with the last sentence and ending with the first. Reading out of context disconnects your mind from the natural flow of the story and causes you to catch more errors. 
• Search for flaws you are aware of in your writing. For some reason, I want the word "led" to be spelled "lead," so until I get this straightened out in my mind, I run a search for "lead" while proofreading my manuscripts. Maybe you overuse "was" or certain favorite words. 
• Read your manuscript out loud to help you discover problems you might otherwise miss. Listen as you read for problems like unintentional rhymes, sentences that end abruptly or sentence fragments. You might want to take this a step farther and have someone else read your manuscript to you. Or you can do as I do and use the text-to-speech functionality found in Adobe Reader.
• Microsoft Word underlines grammatical errors within sentences. Sometimes it doesn't know best, but you do want to go through your manuscript and check for underlined sentences. It's saved me more than once.
• Run spell check, but don't automatically change anything. Spell check has a nasty way of doing unexpected things when you use its automatic feature.  
• For that matter, don't rely upon spell check, which will skip over valid words. For example, in a manuscript I'm reading at the moment I found the word "feinting" used in place of "fainting." If you have trouble spelling (and even if you don't), consider having someone else proofread your manuscript.
• The more eyes checking your manuscript at this point, the better. Just make sure you enlist people you trust to give you good advice.

If you follow these steps with care, you should minimize errors in your manuscript. I welcome your suggestions for proofreading.  

Posted by Janalyn Voigt, author of novel books

Passionate Points of View

Perhaps you are like me; when I hold a passionate point of view, I can’t wait to express it. I just know in my heart of hearts that I am right and the other person is wrong. So, they should listen to what I have to say, right?

Unfortunately, the other person also feels as passionate about their points of view. So how do we get beyond the need to convince the other of our strong opinions and have any kind of dialogue that goes beyond attack and defense? Is it possible to listen to another person’s viewpoint and still maintain our own belief?

Part of our reluctance to listen is that we don’t want to be wrong. Our views and beliefs define who we are. Our identity is wrapped up in them. We teach our children not to listen to radical information and to walk away from kids or teens who want to convince them to do things that are wrong. So, if we listen to someone who has a strong opposing view, will we be swayed away from our convictions?

Remember when we used to have debates in school? In high school speech class we were asked to research a subject and then debate it – not in terms of how we believed, but in the potential merits of the subject. Sometimes that meant we had to argue a point of view we didn’t believe or agree with. I believe such assignments taught us to speak to the subject matter itself. It taught us we needed to know our subject matter before speaking about it. It also taught us to listen because there was more than one point of view.

In a time when we grapple with such issues as drug addiction, gangs, promiscuous and easy sex, political ideologies, abortion, divorce, and the demise of the family unit, it is important to hold valuable beliefs, stand up for them and be able to defend them. However, we often become reactionary when listening to an opposing view while emotionally defending our own. Part of the reason for doing that is we haven’t defined our beliefs in a concrete and objective way where we can discuss the merits of such opinions in concrete ways. If we cannot articulate our beliefs to ourselves and others, we will respond emotionally when listening to another’s point of view.

Listening involves suspending our point of view so we can hear another point of view. We don’t have to agree. But each of us want to be heard. Listening gives us an opportunity to either strengthen our own convictions or gain some new insights into a subject. We can respectfully accept another’s point of view when we can articulate our own and listen to another’s.

The next time you are in a conversation with someone who has opposing viewpoints, focus on what is being said. Ask questions about their views and why they hold them. What is their reason for holding their views? How do they differ from your views? Suspend talking about your views and simply listen.

Next week, we will talk about how our listening skills can help our marriages.

©2011 Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

Ray Bradbury on Writing Persistantly

Focusing while listening

When our heads are buzzing with constant chatter from our own thoughts, it is hard to listen and hear what another person is saying. When we are uptight and stressed, any conversation that increases that tension will reduce our ability to listen, let alone communicate our wants. Taking the time to calm our minds and reduce tension every day can improve all our interactions as well as our overall health. Spending time with God, putting aside all our demands and requests while simply listening to Him through His Word and being quiet, will give us a new perspective on what is important in life.

We bring to our conversations our past experiences, our passions, our beliefs and the values we hold. Conversations are affected by how we feel in the moment, the amount of stress we are experiencing, and lack of stability we have in our life. Our ability to listen is impacted by the passionate views and beliefs we hold. It is not that we can’t or shouldn’t hold passionate views and beliefs, but when they are not clarified and defined; we speak and listen emotionally, becoming judgmental and defensive.

In the business world, we expect diversity where options and differences are discussed and solutions negotiated. In our personal relationships, families and marriages, we often bring a different expectation. We assume that because we love each other, we will think alike and share the same opinions and views. We don’t. And conversations are often reduced to attack and defend.

Time is another factor that impacts all communication today. We live in such a fast paced and accelerating world, that communication is often reduced to instant texting, one liners and immediate responses. However, when emotional and knee-jerk responses are brought into personal relationships, communication breaks down. The need for immediate answers, immediate gratification and instant solutions prevents our ability to listen, clarify and assimilate information.

Here are some of the things that affect our ability to listen:

· Lack of time – taking time to focus on another person
· Unrealistic expectations and assumptions – we want everybody to be like us
· Past experiences that color how we look at the world – everyone sees the world from a different perspective
· Strong, passionate beliefs that are not clarified or defined and remain emotionally charged
· How we feel in the moment: tired, stressed, not feeling well, overloaded with problems
· Lack of stability in life – Without God our thinking and responses are often like shifting sands
· Interpreting messages without feedback for clarification
· Prejudging
· Focusing on the responses we want to make rather than listening

Learning how to focus on the person and what is being said is a crucial part of communication. Here is another exercise that can help us focus. Find ten or fifteen minutes within your week and spend it alone in nature. Go for a quiet walk in the woods, sit on a log away from people; go to the beach and quietly walk or sit near the water. Go somewhere where you will not be disturbed by the sounds of civilization or people. Become totally immersed in the nature around you. Suspend all thoughts and simply “be”. Tune into the sights and sounds of nature: the wind or gentle movement of the leaves, water lapping on shore, etc. Watch a butterfly flit about or a spider weave its web. Children lose themselves in the world around them. We have forgotten how to do that. Allow yourself to focus on a particular point of interest and become totally absorbed by it.

Allowing ourselves to focus attention on something as wonderful and awesome as the world around us, we learn how to suspend the busyness in our life. When we learn to focus our attention on something other than ourselves and our problems, we can place that same kind of focus on the people in our lives.

©2011 Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC